Relationships: Knee deep and drowing

I've had a rough few days. I had a tell Jerry all over again that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him. He started inviting me over to meet his family and was getting upset when I turned him down. So I actually had a talk with him on the dance floor. I wanted to do the talking in some private place but he insisted that we do the talking right then. So we talked. I told him that I need to feel a connection with someone that I am pursuing and that I feel it for very few people. I added that I did not feel that connection with him. He mentioned smilingly that he had been growing attached to me just a little bit. I told him that if he wanted to put some distance between the two of us that I would understand. He said that he would think about it.

Life is strange. I feel like my emotional senses are becoming numb. Am I starting emotional death. Am I too cold a person. I feel like I was almost frigid to Jerry. I told him that. He said that I wasn't.

TheFire danced with me this Friday. There was this Columbian guy who was pursuing him quite strongly. When TheFire squirmed as the guy touched his hips, I was amused. The three of us were dancing kind of together and the guy said, “Amor de lejos, es amor pendejo” (Love from far away is a bastardly love – I guess something similar to out of sight, out of mind) since TheFire was squirming everytime he touched him. To this TheFire and I laughed awkwardly and looked at each other. I started to shift out of the equation giving them space. TheFire started moving out too. So I leaned in and whispered, “If you wanna dance with him, you should. It’s none of my business”. To which he replied, “But I don’t wanna”. The guy pursued. TheFire held on to my hand and pulled me in as he danced with the other guy. So I danced close with TheFire between me and the guy. I pulled the guy closer in. The three of us in a sandwich which I thought I would get out of and leave them dancing. But the guy leans in and tries to kiss TheFire. To this TheFire moves his head away and turns to face me. We slowly back out and break formation. The guy asks me what my relation with TheFire was in front of TheFire. I simply smile. He asks what I think of him. I laugh and tell him that I think that TheFire is a “pocito mono”, (little monkey). The guy apparently was visiting family here from San Francisco and he was in need of a one night stand.

Over the weekend I saw a movie with a new friend of mine. B. He is the partner of the Indian gay guy who works in my company. Did I tell you about his visit to India this time? Apparently all went well. His mom was perfectly fine this time around and even asked him if his partner was satisfying him sexually. That’s a little too much detail for a mother son talk but I think it’s a complete change. Something that you wouldn’t expect from a Sindhi mom who is deeply involved in the Sindhi community. What would be the cause of this complete about turn? Time. She has had about two years since the last visit when the bomb was dropped on her. She has been in touch continuously but no further discussion have happened. But suddenly all is well. I am sure she is uneasy but at least has begun to accept it.

I found this amazing store in town that has all the gay movies. (Email me if you want the web site) It’s almost like a LGBT library. Starting to connect with other LGBT people really opens up a lot of options and choices. I have learned a lot of things that I wouldn’t have even known existed. You also learn of the unfaithfulness of the gays which always leaves me, with whether this whole thing (coming out) is even worth it, but being true to myself is I guess a reward in self actualization which I do feel is worth something.

Why do I feel that this post is really unorganized and is basically thoughts thrown together. Well, these are what are on my mind. Being a single guy is simple. Relationships scare me. They are so emotionally draining. So much work! Bah!

Get your stuff

Language: English

Story: American gay couple decide to adopt a baby but is instead surprised with foster kid brothers who are about 10 years old. The brothers turn their life upside down and one of the partners who was already skeptical about the whole thing leaves. The brothers see what they have done and run away. This leaves the good guy with nobody around him. He goes chasing his partner and gets him back(romantic). His partner comes back and misses the kids who he feels are part of his partner and then they go around trying to find the kids.

Both the guys are really quite the good looking studs.

End: Happy!

Mambo Italiano

Language: Italian English.

Story: Comedy about how an Italian Canadian comes out to his parents and accepts himself. The movie begins with his moving out of home which in itself is a tragedy to the family. Then his best friend moves in with him when they fall in love. But when he comes out to his parents, they tell his friends mom who then decides to set these two guys on a set of dates. His friend gives in to his moms coaxing and dates and marries this woman. Then this guy stops feeling sorry for who he is, asks this other openly gay guy out and moves on and then happily-ever-after happens.

Some of the funny moments are when his dad yells to him that no son of his was going to be a homosexual. Later in the movie he proudly informs a neighbor that his son was the best homosexual there was and nobody was gayer than him. That was hilarious. In the end, his neighbours whisper behind his parents' back saying that "At least, he could have found a nice ITALIAN boy".

The hero is awesomely cute.

End: Happy!

Sugar - Anti Recommendation

Language: English

Story: Depressing movie about this guy who goes out for his 18th birthday and falls in love with this husler guy. He sees the hustler go spinning towards his death in the world of drugs. After the hustler dies, he find another guy. Did I mention this movie was depressing?

End: Depressing. Not just the end, the whole movie. I hated it.

Leaving metropolis

Language: English

Story: Urban gay painter decide to find a muse and becomes a waiter. The married owner of the restaurant becomes his muse and they start an affair. He tells his wife and their marriage is broken. Meanwhile painter deals with his friend’s suicide-death due to complications from AIDS.

Interesting statement at the very end by the painter saying that the next time he wants to find a muse he would like to do so with a lot less causalities. The movie also deals with the concept of muses, utter adoration, being able to love more than one person at the same time. Its an enriching movie.

End: Cautiously Optimistic.

Truce

Ok, so who is curious to know what happened this weekend with TheFire? :)

Well, everything went ok. I entered, he was sitting there with a bored look on his face. I got my drink and went up to him and said “Hi there!”. He got up and smiled this amazingly radiant smile and hugged me. Twice. He asked how my trip was and I said it was boring. He had this puzzled look on his face. “Work”, I volunteered, shrugging my shoulders. The whole time his smile never faded. He was just lit up like a Christmas tree with his eyes open wide. He said, “You're late”. I said, “No, I’m not”. I hugged him again but wasn’t sure if I should plant a kiss on his cheek like usual. I didn’t.

We were dancing with friends and I was saying hello to a lot of people who happened to show up. Jerry was introducing me to one of the hottest cutest guys I have seen in the club and then there was this Chinese guy B, who is a friend of the Turkish guy I like. But unfortunately on further enquiry the Turkish guy hadn’t come. So I went up to B’s boyfriend and asked if I could steal his boyfriend and was dancing with B for a while. TheFire seemed quite bothered at this. He doesn’t like B. I don’t know why, since they have never spoken to each other. So I introduced them, but TheFire looked unhappy and showed his disinterest. I must have looked quite unhappy too since after a couple minutes TheFire motioned to me to smile. I showed him some teeth and then laughed. But we drifted apart soon with him dancing with his friend and I was dancing with mine. I caught him looking at me a couple times and he caught me looking at him a couple times.

There is an uneasy sort of calm. We were talking to each other. We were smiling. We weren’t mentioning the other day at all. We even had the token arguement of the day. He was teaching me how to say the word nicaraguënse, and when he made me repeat it I simply told him that my pronounciation was quite fine, thank you very much, with a big smile and said that I didnt need his help. "Oh Really!" he said, and I replied "Really." and we both grinned from ear to ear. He came up to me when he was leaving and hugged me good night. I think he has become the forbidden fruit. Even though I am talking and smiling and having polite conversations with others, I know exactly where he is and who he is speaking to.

I just hope that this is a passing phase. All this is somehow entertaining to me though. I have to find some other guy to distract myself from him very soon.

Gay Themed Movies

Here is an entire post that I will be updating every now and then with links to movies that I have seen and have written my reviews on.

Please let me know if you would like my movie reviews to include or not include anything specific.

Where to find them: Most of the movies I have seen were rented out from blockbuster but I am told that netflix dot com has a good collection of these movies too. The sections in Blockbuster that I used to look under was
Foreign
Comedy
Drama
Also, recently I have been watching a lot of these on LOGO channel. I pay extra to get the channel but its worth every penny.

List of Gay Themed Movies Seen
Beautiful Thing
Latter Days
Lilies (Pretty boys)
Trio
Nine Dead Gay Guys (Funny!)
Sherlock - The Private life of Sherlock Holmes
Under One Roof
Come Undone (Presque Rien)
Old Testament
Einstein of sex
Latin boys go to hell
Rendezvous at the golden gate bed and breakfast
Feeding Boys, Ayaya
Bedrooms and Hallways
Boyfriends
Hole
My First Time
Proteus (Nice)
Get Your Stuff (Funny,Nice)
Mambo Italiano (Funny,Nice)
Leaving Metropolis
Sugar - Anti Recommendation
The Broken Hearts Club
Brokeback Mountain
Yossi and Jagger
Testosterone
L’homme que jáime (The man I love)
A Touch Of Pink (Good, Desi)
Days (Giorni)
10 Attitudes
Adventures of Felix
Close To Leo
Like It Is
Plata Quemada (Burnt Cash)
Forbidden Love (Defense D’Aimer)

Settling back into routine

I went to see Brokeback Mountain with Jerry and was shocked to see the crowd there. It was playing only in the art cinemas and not the usual ones. This turned out to be quite awesome for me since the art theatre is really quite close to my place. I had gone about half hour early and managed to get the last two tickets to the showing and there was already a queue that was snaking its way out of the theatre. The great thing about the queue was that it had so many gay folks that I was just happy to be standing and looking at all the well dressed folks and pick up on a few things I wanted to buy myself. The movie itself was quite alright. I was afraid that it might be a bit too depressing but it really wasn’t. In fact I was reminded of the times that I was making out with my guy CG in college and how awesome it felt to be doing something that was so forbidden. It’s a thrill.

I have been doing the usual clean up after a trip. I normally always have stuff thrown all over the floor when I get back from a trip. So I finally finished washing all my clothes and ironing them. Now I just have to file all my bills, cook something for the next week and vacuum the house and I will be set back to my routine.

I don’t really feel like going to the club this Friday because I am afraid that TheFire will be there. Avoidance I feel is really the easiest thing for now so we won’t have to talk about it. But if I don’t go, he will know that I didn’t go because of him.

I am having dinner tonight with some friends to celebrate my birthday. I was thinking about what my favorite restaurant was and I really couldn’t point my finger to one. I thought about the Thai, Indian, Nepali and Afghan restaurants but I am not sure that I want to eat anything particular. The most appetizing food right now seems like bread and fish curry at home. This might have something to do with the rich oily foods that I have been eating this whole week in Hawaii. My food preferences always change based on my mood and what I had to eat in the last week to eat.

I called Jana up to tell her yesterday that I wasn’t feeling like going out on Thursday night. I had told her in the dance class last week that I was going to be calling her on Thursday night so we could go salsa dancing. She wanted to go out drinking and I had said that I would pick her up. We both like to get drunk together sometimes and so I had told her that I would pick her up so that she could get drunk.

I really should go to the gym and start running again. I think this week, I have done very little exercise and hope that going to the gym and running might actually improve my mood. It normally does. Eating heavy Indian or Chinese food always depresses me and doing a run always makes my energy levels high.

Did I tell you guys about this other Indian gay guy that I met during this trip to Hawaii. He was brought up in Bombay. Isnt every openly gay Indian guy from Bombay or Delhi? Everyone except Chennai'boi me. But really I dont think I have much of a Chennai specific influence on me. I have Chennai, Delhi and Bangalore in me. So anyways he is a consultant at the company I work for and so we both had two long chats one of which was at 5:30 in the morning when we were both on our way to work and the other was at the cafeteria. We didn’t actually talk about anything of significance but we were just talking about how each of finished out engineering mostly because our parents wanted us to. He apparently studied more about art history and languages than engineering.

Oh and then there was this other guy N, who was on the same floor and we met in Hawaii even though he is from the same company. He was soooo cute. Total twink. He had the perfect Greek look with light brown hair that was short and curled up on his forehead into small circles. He had very thin lips and we had fun talking to each other. At the cafeteria, he told me stay longer as we sat in the sun (Hawaii!) and I couldn't refuse him. So I got another cup of tea and we sat together for another couple minutes before we left. He was working on the same floor but on a different side. He used to come over every 2 hours and chat with me and I was actually feeling irritated when someone else butted in when I was talking with him. In fact we were both carrying walkie talkies for communicating with the command center folks and when I had to leave early, I wanted to put up his walkie talkie number of the board for my side of the floor so they could ask him if they had any questions when I was gone. So when I was almost leaving I went over to him and asked him for his number and he looked at me and smiled and took out his cell phone. I was amused and said, “No silly, I want the walkie talkie number so I can put it up on the board”. He looked a bit embarrassed and smiled awkwardly. He looked heavenly in his impish smile...Now back in town, he works in a different building and I doubt if I will see him again, let alone talk to him. I wish I knew if he was gay or not.

Quote of the day:
Truth be told, home is less of a place and more of a feeling.

My Birthday!

I am 27 folks! And this was the most non existant birthday ever. Its not that I had planned it that way but just the way it all turned out. It just didnt feel like a birthday at all. The reason I say it was that way is that I didn’t meet a single person who I knew during the entire 20 hours. (My birthday started in Hawaii and ended in the Midwest and so was only 20 hours long)

Sure, I had talked to my parents and brother over the phone just an hour before my official birthday in Hawaii, and I talked to a couple other friends who wished me or left voice messages. I was also inundated with emails, 31 emails in a day from different people has to be some sort of record for me. But given the fact that I was flying for almost 12 hours with my phone switched off and sleeping most of the rest of the day except to go get dinner, I never met a single person I knew during the entire day. TheRock called me later at night after I had had dinner and was surprised that I was home and not in Hawaii. I had told everyone that I was going to be coming back to town only the day after my birthday since I had changed my trip in the last minute to come back on my birthday instead of the next day. I dont really know why I didnt tell anyone that I was going to be home. I guess its the feeling of being lonely standing in the middle of a crowd that I was afraid of.

Its times like these that I wish that I had a boyfriend. Sigh! To have some cuddles and warmth in my bed! :)

Second trip to Hawai'i

I landed in Hawaii and as we walked out a strong smell of cigarettes enveloped us as we left the building. That perfect third world feeling. J immediately commented on the “smell of cancer” which I found really amusing. We ended up taking a limo ride to the hotel, which turned out cheaper for the 7 of us than if we had taken a cab.

The hotel was awesome. It was on the beach harbour and overlooked the ocean. The room was really good. They had chocolates on the bed every night, the entire one side of the room was made of glass and I loved to be standing there naked (yup!) with the curtains fully open, looking into the darkess and lights of the boats and ships in the horizon. Only one downside, I was working almost 13 hour shifts and was out of the hotel before sunrise and came back just after sunset.

The way things were set up, we had to leave the hotel at 5:15am and come back at about 7pm. Leaving us some time between 7pm and 9pm to have dinner and get back to the hotel for a nice sleep. It was quite disappointing really.

So the first night I went out for dinner with J and some others to a fancy Chinese restaurant. The second night, I went to this Egyptian restaurant which had a belly dancer with an Indian friend and his wife. Both are from Bombay. We were joined by my friend A, the one who lives in Hawaii doing his Ph.D. The third night I actually got some shopping done. I left work and went straight to the Nordstrom shoe shop that I had my eyes on for a while now. Some people at work had even recommended that I go to the Nordstrom Rack which is apparently a cheaper version of the same shop. So I went to both and after 1 pair of boots(130$) and 2 sneakers(120$), I was happy. I then went out with my friend A and had dinner at a Thai restaurant and walked over to Waikiki beach. He left me shopping for baubles almost 10 in the night. After which I took a cab to the hotel. The next night I had dinner by myself at some cheap Chinese take out since I wasn’t feeling like doing much shopping or eating and then the last night, I went over to do some shopping. I bought some general necklaces and wristbands and stuff. Then there was this cheap art/handcraft sort of place in Waikiki that I had very much liked the last time and so I visited there only to buy myself some more arty stuff. One giant face mask almost 2 feet long which I had trouble bring over in the plane, some kitchen decorations. A lump like thing that vaguely resembled two people dancing and some beautiful turtle wall hangings hand engraved and made of a dark color in decreasing sizes.

A nice quote I heard during my stay:
We are independent of the good or bad opinions of others.

Mile high Thoughts

Was pretty bored in the plane and decided to catch up on my blogging. Here I am starting an 8 hour flight with lots of people from my company. The person sitting next to me, J, who is another one from my company, started talking to me 3 seconds after sitting down. Once she knew I was from the same company that only seemed to have made me more intimately close to her. She went on and on about how this guy she had a crush on who is also working in my company, just had sex with her and had hooked up with this other girl also from my company, just 5 days after that. “Men!” she said, and we both burst out laughing. I told her that I was gay and then it was quite the party. She is this really pretty girl and quite sweet if you look beyond the fact that she doesn’t stop talking for more than a couple seconds at a time. She has just gone to sleep and so I have the time to type for now. I hope she isn’t looking. I keep turning to check on her to make sure she isn’t reading this as I type.

The screen on the front of the plane tells me that we just crossed over Denver and are flying over the Rocky Mountains. I am sitting on the window seat and turning to my left I can see black colored mountains covered with snow partially on the non sunny side. It looks completely uninhabited. Maybe it would look better in summer when there are leaves on the trees. Right now, it looks very bare. Very barren. Sort of a black and white picture in fact. Normally during flights in the afternoon I always find the lakes and rivers reflecting the light from the sun and looking like pools of mercury due to the high reflectivity. But I can’t see any water at all in sight. Just black and white.

It’s a long 8 hour flight and I just killed some time off watching some really horribly romantic movie with Reese Witherspoon in it called “Just like heaven”. It was nice and all but really quite Hindi movie-ish in its unrealistic-ness. We seem to be flying over the ocean now and I can't believe I still have 4 hours to go.

J just woke up and had a long conversation with me. She has extreme left wing ideas and attended an anti war rally in DC it seems. She was visibly displeased about me being Indian and not being a vegetarian since she is, but I made sure that she didn’t go into a lecture mode by stating that I was just one of those people who chose not to be a vegetarian and that’s was that. She also seemed really high on the gay marriage equality and abortion rights. The whole nine yards of being a democrat I tell ya. She simply went back to sleep after sharing her “wasabi chick peas” and “curry cashews”. The curry cashews were really good, I must admit.

God! I feel absolutely restless. I went to the stewardesses station and was told to go back and sit down since there was turbulence. I have to say that, I can't wait to get off this plane. Everytime I fly I feel that I want to understand clouds better. I feel like I have never understood why the water molecules stay together to form a cloud instead of dispersing in air. But no matter how many times I see clouds I always find it a differentperspective when I am flying above and below them. They are so dream like. Ever noticed another plane coming at an angle towards your plane. It seems like its coming at an insane speed but luckily it’s at a different altitude and it won’t hit you. OK, I know I am thinking rather unimportant stuff but anything to take my mind off this urge to get up and run down the aisle.

(I never had time to post this from hawaii and so i am posting it now.)

The Broken Hearts Club

Language: English

Story: Romantic comedy. It is sort of a light movie about a group of 5 gay guys who are friends and have each other for support and comfort. Sort of like a gay “Sex in the city”. One becomes a drug addict. One is a sex addict. One has low self esteem and one fears intimacy. One teaches a newly gay guy to be gay and feel ok about it. Somehow it feels like therapy to himself.

Some of the highlights that stuck to my mind are when this first guy tells this newly gay guy that his father died before he really knew him. So the newly gay guy tells the first one that just because he didn’t know that he was gay doesn’t mean that he didn’t know him at all, to which the first guy, simply replies, “He did not know me and that’s that”.

There was this other moment when this gay guys sister tells him that he came out as being gay so that he could be happy. But that coming out doesn’t make you happy. You still have everything else that everybody deals with and you can still be miserable as hell. So you need to step up and do something else about it and grab life by its neck. Coming out isn’t the end of misery.

And then there was this statement by the narrator saying “I don’t know when I knew I was gay but it was when I met these guys that I realized that it was OK to be gay and that’s more important to me.”

End: Generally positive.

Brokeback Mountain

Language: English (1960s cowboy/southern twang)

Story: Two young cowboys meet up at this ranch on brokeback mountain and “hitch up”. the first time they do, the first one tells the other in the morning, “I’m not queer” to which the other replies, “Neither am I”. Its an emotional story of the feelings these guys have for each other, but go ahead and get married anyways. The first time they meet up after that for a re-union has them making out in the garage like teenagers. And after that, they go on fishing trips every 6 months where lets say that they don’t do much of fishing. The movie is at times, very emotional, repressed passion let out, wild and physical, but at the end of it, very tender. I found the unexpressed tenderness between these two men, very moving. Finally after 20 years, life catches up with one of them and the other is left wondering about chances not taken and “if only”s.

End: Touching and tender. Not too sad. Not too happy. Like life!

L’homme que jáime (The man I love)

Language: French

Story: This very young guy whose HIV has become full blown AIDS falls for a guy who he plays pranks on in the swimming pool. The other very shy guy finally leaves his girlfriend for this guy and joins the first guy and his mom on a funny but somewhat sad journey where they try to pick out a grave for him. I found the shy guy really cute.

End: Sad but not depressing.

Testosterone

Language: Spanish.

Story: The movie made a lot of sense in the beginning but turned whacky at the end. This cute and sexy cartoonist guy falls for this latino guy who suddenly disappears. He follows Pablo to Argentina where he is the son of this wealthy politician and realizes that Pablo has a lot of guys who he uses to amuse himself. The scene where Dean kidnaps Pablo and Pablo apologizes and explains that he can't help himself that he was a sex addict is really amusing. Pablo is hot.

Ending: On a positive note.

What am I feeling?

I have been feeling somewhat good and somewhat bad this week. The good part is that I am going to Hawaii tomorrow and my trip is paid in full by my company. The bad part if that TheFire who I have been raving so much about told me over the weekend that he wasn’t gay. I don’t think I am terribly upset or something but I can't shake this feeling on my mind that something bad just happened.

So let me start with the good stuff. I get to go on this trip to Honolulu and get to stay in a hotel room at 180$ per night with the corporate discount, but it’s a short trip of 4 days during which I will be doing 12 hour shifts each day (I normally barely do 8 hours everyday). I was planning to take another couple days off and chill out but I have to be back in town so I couldn’t do that. So all I will have time to do is shopping in the evenings. :) After all I just came back from Hawaii and so I know exactly where to go and shop. I get off at 6pm but I will only have time to do dinner and to visit my friend and some shopping each day. I just hope that it won’t be as hectic as I fear it might be. I have decided not to make plans but to just go along each day. I can't go checking out the clubs since its probably going to be too late as I have to get up for a 6am shift start.

Bad stuff. Hm…It bummed me out a little bit more than I thought it would. Maybe I had more feelings for him than I realized. Maybe I did want a future with him. But at least this time it wasn’t my fault. He was in a gay club and loves to make out and dance with guys. After all that if he decides that he isn’t gay, that’s really not my fault. I told myself that I would never want to have feelings for a straight guy again and it happened again. Some things in life are just so ironical that you simply have to smile and keep going.

How all this happened was that, we were both talking and dancing this Friday night and we were having the time of our lives when we sat down and he was telling me about how he was brought up by his grand mom and had to come to the US and live with his parents in the US when his grand mom died and all that when he told me that he had never had any friends. So I asked him..

Me: Porque? (why?)
Him: No Se. (I don’t know)
Me: Por que? (Why?)
Him: I just don’t.
Me: Tu no tienes confianza en alguien. (you don’t trust anyone.)
Him: Quizas. (Maybe)
Me: Porque? ( why)
Him: Por que ??? (why??)
Me: Porque tu no tienes confianza en alguien? (why don’t you trust anyone.)
Him: No Se. (I don’t know.)
Me: OK.
Brief pause.
Him: I am not gay.
Me: Huh?
Him: I am not gay.
Me: (trying to be completely fine with what he just said) Fine, but you will eventually have to trust someone. Tienes que tener confianza (you have to trust). Guy or girl no importa (guy or a girl, it doesn’t matter).
Him: You OK?
Me: (avoiding eye contact) Yeah. A little surprised. But I’m OK.
Him: I don’t want a boyfriend. I just like having sex with guys. I’m not gay.
Me: (**Whatever, dude! If you don’t like me then just tell me. I can deal with that! I think.)
Me: I don’t want a boyfriend either. And I don’t want to have sex either.
Him: I had sex with a guy three years ago. I havent had sex since.

We both then just looked at each other and stared. I didn’t have anything more to say. So I just shook my head and then I nodded. “Are you angry with me?” he asked. I said , “I don’t know what I feel” avoiding eye contact. Then when I finally looked up and made eye contact, I saw tears pouring out of his eyes. I was a little shaken at that. I held his hands in mine for a minute and then I felt like all this was a little too much emotion for me and said that I was taking off. He said, “See you in two weeks?” I simply nodded. I was feeling so much conflicting emotions. I wasn’t really sure how I should be feeling. If I really didn’t think that I had any future with him like I always told myself then why am I disappointed? Nothing has really changed. Its not that he did anything at all wrong. He never gave me the mipression that he was interested in me. He will still probably be there next week. I will still probably dance with him. In fact it’s perfect. I am not looking for a relationship and neither is he. I like dancing with him. So what’s wrong? I don’t know but something is not right.

We have never even kissed each other, so why should i have such string feelings for this guy. Maybe that is why we have never kissed. Thinking back he was always very careful around me. We look at each other but never really did do anything. I don’t, for my reasons and he never did, for his reasons. I have seen him making out with other guys, who he has never even seen before once or twice, but never with me. Should I be happy somehow that he cared enough to keep me at arms length? Or be really mad at him for not being gay or thinking that he is not gay. I probably shouldn’t have much to do with him anymore. But can I really stop talking to a guy because he is not gay. Because I do love talking to him. He is as naughty as I am and we get along great. Can I hide behind the fact that I might have stronger feelings for him than I realized and say that’s why I don’t want to talk to him anymore? OK, maybe I am thinking way too much about this.

Anoche yo senti, que me besaste diferente
Y me quede sin saber que hacer
Yo te conozco y se que algo no anda bien
Ven, dime la verdad, no quiero imaginar
Que fue el beso del final

(At night, I felt, that you kissed me differently
It left me, not knowing what to do
I know you and so I know that something is not right,
Come, tell me the truth, I don’t want to think
That that was the last kiss.)

TheFire

The cutest Latino guy ever. He is a guy I see often at the dance/night club. I flirt a lot with him. He flirts a lot with me. But we always leave it at that. We dance with each other whenever we are both there. We seem to have this fiery relationship. I think we are both afraid of something but we neverstop dancing with each other. But there is nothing more. Is there really nothing more? I am not sure.

TheRock

My friend. He is engaged to get married in April 2006. He works in the same company with me. We both joined together. We always have dinner together on Friday evenings. We also have Sunday nights when we watch “Desperate Housewives” at his place after he cooks dinner for us. He is very rational. Very sane. He never even tries to be polite when he has something to say. He is quite blunt sometimes and needs a little getting used to. But otherwise he is very stable as a friend. Can count on him.

LordofHearts

He is a good friend. He is married toEternalGirlFriend for a couple years now. He went to college with me in India but I never knew him there but only after he joined my company did I get to know him. He is in software like me. He likes to see drag shows. He always claims to have a gay streak in him but I am not sure what he means by that. He is married after all. He is a nice guy. very organised. very planned. Absolute control freak like me.

EternalGirlFriend

She is my friend and is married toLordOfHearts. She grew up in Bombay and is cosmopolitan like me. Since we are both south Indians who grew up in north India, I think we bond very well. She is a baker by profession.

Jerry

My friend. He is an older middle aged guy. I like hanging out with him. We take turns driving each other to the club so that the other person might be able to drink.

CG

Ex- True Love and Ex-Soulmate. The guy I was in love with in college back inIndia. I am not in contact with him anymore. It’s been years now. Am I really over him? Can someone really be completely over someone if they never really broke up officially since you were never really together? This is what happens when you fall in love with your bestfriend. You lose your best friend when you lose him.

Yossi and Jagger

Language: Israeli (Is that a language?)

Story: I think in Israel all are required to do military training like in france. So these two guys are commander and second in command. The movie reflects so much about what we all feel but never express because of the fear of consequences but when you lose someone you love, you feel that you probably should have said more.

Ending: Contemplative and vaguely sad.

Touch of Pink

Language: Desi-hinglish/English.

Story: It is my favorite gay movie as of now. I think I like this movie because it is the story of coming out of an Indian guy who lives away from India which I totally relate to. So this guy Alim lives in London with his boyfriend Giles. His mom comes to visit from Canada. He is driven crazy by his mom until he tells her that he is gay and that his roommate is his boyfriend. She leaves. He immediately follows her to Canada, where things patch up and she accepts her son in law so to speak. Giles is super HOT.

Ending: Happy and Romantic.

Days (Giorni)

Language: Italian.

Story: Kinda depressing. About an HIV positive guy who breaks up with his negative BF and basically infects this other guy by being unsafe. He feels responsible but somewhat liberated. Finally he finds solace in being and remaining single for the rest of his life. I think the hero was Hot. The lover boy was really cute.

Ending: Contemplative but OK.

10 attitudes

Language: English.

Story: Very low budget documentary style movie of 35 year old guy in LA going on 10 dates to try to find his mister perfect. He finds all sorts of people, warm, gentle, scary, painfully romantic, cheaters. Finally ends with a hopeful note with a guy who used to bully him in school for being gay.

Ending: Happy.

Adventures of Felix

Language: French movie.

Story: Kind of nice. Timepass. This half-arab looking HIV positive guy takes a trip to a different part of France to find his long lost Dad. He meets some people hitchhiking his way there who he finds to be a part of the family he would like to have. A brother, a sister, a mother, a cousin, etc.

Ending: Happy.

Close to Leo

Language : French movie.

Story: A 20 year old having AIDS deals with the reality of facing death. He is forbidden from telling his younger brother who is 12 who finds out and is angry that he wasn’t told. It’s about the toll on each person in the loving family that the imminent death takes. Leo is really cute.

Ending: Sad and contemplative.

Like it is

Language: British

Story: This twink of a boxer runs away from a small town and ends up in London to meet a one night stand. This guy he meets is in charge of running a successful night club, but he has trouble managing the attention that the twink needs in dealing with his homosexuality. The Twink is a total cuty twinky boy and the other guy has the cutest smile.

Ending: Happy

Plata Quemada (Burnt Cash)

Language: Spanish

Story: Two ruthless bank robbers in love are running away after a heist. It’s about their powerful and yet fragile and emotional love. Its about their weirdness and is supposedly a true story. I could'nt believe how violent two gay guys could be. Both guys are hot.

End: Violent and powerfully emotional.

Defense D’Aimer (Forbidden Love)

Language: French/Italian/English movie.

Story: This student artist takes on a lover who he finds out is bisexual and is screwing around a lot. He feels used, angry and doesn’t know how to control what he is feeling. He realizes that the guy is not worth it, but he can't seem to do anything about it. Very documentary style movie. the lover is quite the good looking italian.

End: Slow till the end and suddenly violent.

Life on a New years day

I had a nice new year’s. I saw the movie “Touch of Pink” during the evening. I came out to a colleague. Had a very nice dinner and then went out with friends to this LGBT fund raiser type show which is probably the most wholesome gay themed party I have ever gone to.

Now, the coming out to a colleague part was done rather different from the usual ones for me. Normally I just tell people that I like guys and that I have known this for a while and blah blah blah without ever using the “G” word. But this time it was so simple for me. He called to ask and discuss about where to go for new years, and he said that he and his wife didn’t want to go to the event that I wanted to go because it was a gay event. So I replied that he should go to this other club but that I was still going to my event and that my reason for going was that it was a gay event. So he asked, “Why?” and so I replied much amused, “Because I’m gay”. A slight pause later, he continued on without trying to put too much emphasis on what I had said. A minute later he asked me if I had been kidding about me being gay and I said that I wasn’t and that it really wasn’t said in a funny way since I had said it quite matter of factly. So he said “Oh, OK”. And that was that. Now, the thing is that the guy I was talking to already knew I was gay. One of my friends had already told me that he knew. Apparently all the Indians in the company know and have been talking about me for a while now(God knows what they are saying!! i Dont even want to think about it.) and this guy had mentioned that to one of my friends that he knew since everybody was talking about it. So my question is, why in the world did he ask then if he already knew? To corner me as to why I wanted to go to a gay event when he knew I was gay? He just wanted me to be cornered? To feel embarrassed? Is that it? Was he expecting me to make up an excuse and be secretly amused by it? And then these people wonder as to why gay people are so rigidly unapologetic. Anyways, I thnik I just had to vent this out.

The movie “Touch of Pink” I think, is the most relatable movie I have seen so far. Its about this Indian ismaili boy who grew up in Canada and is gay and how he comes out to his mom. Even though I am not exactly the same story, I think I can draw parallels between me and that guy. I know exactly how my mom would react would be like in the movie. In fact I almost feel that whenever I come out to my mom, I should just send her this DVD and make her watch it before saying anything else. I still cannot believe how much I connected to the movie. It was recommended to me by Anurag who is a reader of this blog sometimes. Thanks Anurag!

I had a nice dinner which started out the new years celebrations with two glasses of sangria. The reason I normally like sangria is that it is wine but with fresh juices and that somehow doesn’t feel like an alcoholic drink but like a nice sweet drink. After this I was picked up by my friends the LordOfHearts and Eternalgirlfriend. We also picked up theRock after that and were on our way to the show. The show was mostly an LGBT fundraiser, which basically meant that it was more family oriented and not as much frat boys running around. There were people who normally wouldn’t ever be seen in clubs. So many lesbians. Somehow I think statistically lesbians come to more fundraisers than gay guys. Also, there were those gay families that had children and so the show was very wholesome. It was clean fun with no swear words at all like in the clubs. I think I liked that fact. It was not too over the top and not too boring either. it was just vaguely more professional that a school annual day event but it was a lot of fun.

The usual drag shows happened. I am not really into drag shows but my friend LordOfHearts is. He was really excited. But it was EternalGirlFriend and I that were making all the noise. All of us unanimously liked only one of the drag queen and we cheered each time she showed up. She is a real showgirl. There was another odd thing though that happened. EternalGF is a straight girl and I, of course, am gay. But we both cheered so much for this lesbian female who was dancing. She totally looked like the cutest guy in the whole place. We both stared quite openly at her. She was so flat that you could never tell that she was a girl. She looked like a cute frat boy.

I had pink lemonade with vodka and some shots of tequila with EternalGF. There were some guys from work who were there. One of the guys thanked LordOfHearts for supporting the LGBT cause and made him feel like an outsider. We all danced the rest of the night and were dropped off by LordOfHearts later.

I had a hangover the new years day when I woke up. I took a pill, drank a lot of water and woke up an hour later when my mom called to tell me that I was an uncle. It was the perfect new years. My brother had had a boy. Its the next generation. My first nephew. My brothers and sisinlaws first kid, the first grandchild on both sides. The first great grand child to my grandparents. The Next Generation. I am no longer the smallest. Feels wierd in an odd way. So the rest of the day was spent talking to them in India and seeing pictures. I so wanna have a kid. My own toy! I think it’s worth the trouble. I think I’ll make a good dad, or would that be a mom? Well whatever. I think I’ll be good. :)

Thoughts: Life!