Relationships: Knee deep and drowing

I've had a rough few days. I had a tell Jerry all over again that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him. He started inviting me over to meet his family and was getting upset when I turned him down. So I actually had a talk with him on the dance floor. I wanted to do the talking in some private place but he insisted that we do the talking right then. So we talked. I told him that I need to feel a connection with someone that I am pursuing and that I feel it for very few people. I added that I did not feel that connection with him. He mentioned smilingly that he had been growing attached to me just a little bit. I told him that if he wanted to put some distance between the two of us that I would understand. He said that he would think about it.

Life is strange. I feel like my emotional senses are becoming numb. Am I starting emotional death. Am I too cold a person. I feel like I was almost frigid to Jerry. I told him that. He said that I wasn't.

TheFire danced with me this Friday. There was this Columbian guy who was pursuing him quite strongly. When TheFire squirmed as the guy touched his hips, I was amused. The three of us were dancing kind of together and the guy said, “Amor de lejos, es amor pendejo” (Love from far away is a bastardly love – I guess something similar to out of sight, out of mind) since TheFire was squirming everytime he touched him. To this TheFire and I laughed awkwardly and looked at each other. I started to shift out of the equation giving them space. TheFire started moving out too. So I leaned in and whispered, “If you wanna dance with him, you should. It’s none of my business”. To which he replied, “But I don’t wanna”. The guy pursued. TheFire held on to my hand and pulled me in as he danced with the other guy. So I danced close with TheFire between me and the guy. I pulled the guy closer in. The three of us in a sandwich which I thought I would get out of and leave them dancing. But the guy leans in and tries to kiss TheFire. To this TheFire moves his head away and turns to face me. We slowly back out and break formation. The guy asks me what my relation with TheFire was in front of TheFire. I simply smile. He asks what I think of him. I laugh and tell him that I think that TheFire is a “pocito mono”, (little monkey). The guy apparently was visiting family here from San Francisco and he was in need of a one night stand.

Over the weekend I saw a movie with a new friend of mine. B. He is the partner of the Indian gay guy who works in my company. Did I tell you about his visit to India this time? Apparently all went well. His mom was perfectly fine this time around and even asked him if his partner was satisfying him sexually. That’s a little too much detail for a mother son talk but I think it’s a complete change. Something that you wouldn’t expect from a Sindhi mom who is deeply involved in the Sindhi community. What would be the cause of this complete about turn? Time. She has had about two years since the last visit when the bomb was dropped on her. She has been in touch continuously but no further discussion have happened. But suddenly all is well. I am sure she is uneasy but at least has begun to accept it.

I found this amazing store in town that has all the gay movies. (Email me if you want the web site) It’s almost like a LGBT library. Starting to connect with other LGBT people really opens up a lot of options and choices. I have learned a lot of things that I wouldn’t have even known existed. You also learn of the unfaithfulness of the gays which always leaves me, with whether this whole thing (coming out) is even worth it, but being true to myself is I guess a reward in self actualization which I do feel is worth something.

Why do I feel that this post is really unorganized and is basically thoughts thrown together. Well, these are what are on my mind. Being a single guy is simple. Relationships scare me. They are so emotionally draining. So much work! Bah!