What am I feeling?
I have been feeling somewhat good and somewhat bad this week. The good part is that I am going to Hawaii tomorrow and my trip is paid in full by my company. The bad part if that TheFire who I have been raving so much about told me over the weekend that he wasn’t gay. I don’t think I am terribly upset or something but I can't shake this feeling on my mind that something bad just happened.
So let me start with the good stuff. I get to go on this trip to Honolulu and get to stay in a hotel room at 180$ per night with the corporate discount, but it’s a short trip of 4 days during which I will be doing 12 hour shifts each day (I normally barely do 8 hours everyday). I was planning to take another couple days off and chill out but I have to be back in town so I couldn’t do that. So all I will have time to do is shopping in the evenings. :) After all I just came back from Hawaii and so I know exactly where to go and shop. I get off at 6pm but I will only have time to do dinner and to visit my friend and some shopping each day. I just hope that it won’t be as hectic as I fear it might be. I have decided not to make plans but to just go along each day. I can't go checking out the clubs since its probably going to be too late as I have to get up for a 6am shift start.
Bad stuff. Hm…It bummed me out a little bit more than I thought it would. Maybe I had more feelings for him than I realized. Maybe I did want a future with him. But at least this time it wasn’t my fault. He was in a gay club and loves to make out and dance with guys. After all that if he decides that he isn’t gay, that’s really not my fault. I told myself that I would never want to have feelings for a straight guy again and it happened again. Some things in life are just so ironical that you simply have to smile and keep going.
How all this happened was that, we were both talking and dancing this Friday night and we were having the time of our lives when we sat down and he was telling me about how he was brought up by his grand mom and had to come to the US and live with his parents in the US when his grand mom died and all that when he told me that he had never had any friends. So I asked him..
Me: Porque? (why?)
Him: No Se. (I don’t know)
Me: Por que? (Why?)
Him: I just don’t.
Me: Tu no tienes confianza en alguien. (you don’t trust anyone.)
Him: Quizas. (Maybe)
Me: Porque? ( why)
Him: Por que ??? (why??)
Me: Porque tu no tienes confianza en alguien? (why don’t you trust anyone.)
Him: No Se. (I don’t know.)
Me: OK.
Brief pause.
Him: I am not gay.
Me: Huh?
Him: I am not gay.
Me: (trying to be completely fine with what he just said) Fine, but you will eventually have to trust someone. Tienes que tener confianza (you have to trust). Guy or girl no importa (guy or a girl, it doesn’t matter).
Him: You OK?
Me: (avoiding eye contact) Yeah. A little surprised. But I’m OK.
Him: I don’t want a boyfriend. I just like having sex with guys. I’m not gay.
Me: (**Whatever, dude! If you don’t like me then just tell me. I can deal with that! I think.)
Me: I don’t want a boyfriend either. And I don’t want to have sex either.
Him: I had sex with a guy three years ago. I havent had sex since.
We both then just looked at each other and stared. I didn’t have anything more to say. So I just shook my head and then I nodded. “Are you angry with me?” he asked. I said , “I don’t know what I feel” avoiding eye contact. Then when I finally looked up and made eye contact, I saw tears pouring out of his eyes. I was a little shaken at that. I held his hands in mine for a minute and then I felt like all this was a little too much emotion for me and said that I was taking off. He said, “See you in two weeks?” I simply nodded. I was feeling so much conflicting emotions. I wasn’t really sure how I should be feeling. If I really didn’t think that I had any future with him like I always told myself then why am I disappointed? Nothing has really changed. Its not that he did anything at all wrong. He never gave me the mipression that he was interested in me. He will still probably be there next week. I will still probably dance with him. In fact it’s perfect. I am not looking for a relationship and neither is he. I like dancing with him. So what’s wrong? I don’t know but something is not right.
We have never even kissed each other, so why should i have such string feelings for this guy. Maybe that is why we have never kissed. Thinking back he was always very careful around me. We look at each other but never really did do anything. I don’t, for my reasons and he never did, for his reasons. I have seen him making out with other guys, who he has never even seen before once or twice, but never with me. Should I be happy somehow that he cared enough to keep me at arms length? Or be really mad at him for not being gay or thinking that he is not gay. I probably shouldn’t have much to do with him anymore. But can I really stop talking to a guy because he is not gay. Because I do love talking to him. He is as naughty as I am and we get along great. Can I hide behind the fact that I might have stronger feelings for him than I realized and say that’s why I don’t want to talk to him anymore? OK, maybe I am thinking way too much about this.
Anoche yo senti, que me besaste diferente
Y me quede sin saber que hacer
Yo te conozco y se que algo no anda bien
Ven, dime la verdad, no quiero imaginar
Que fue el beso del final
(At night, I felt, that you kissed me differently
It left me, not knowing what to do
I know you and so I know that something is not right,
Come, tell me the truth, I don’t want to think
That that was the last kiss.)
So let me start with the good stuff. I get to go on this trip to Honolulu and get to stay in a hotel room at 180$ per night with the corporate discount, but it’s a short trip of 4 days during which I will be doing 12 hour shifts each day (I normally barely do 8 hours everyday). I was planning to take another couple days off and chill out but I have to be back in town so I couldn’t do that. So all I will have time to do is shopping in the evenings. :) After all I just came back from Hawaii and so I know exactly where to go and shop. I get off at 6pm but I will only have time to do dinner and to visit my friend and some shopping each day. I just hope that it won’t be as hectic as I fear it might be. I have decided not to make plans but to just go along each day. I can't go checking out the clubs since its probably going to be too late as I have to get up for a 6am shift start.
Bad stuff. Hm…It bummed me out a little bit more than I thought it would. Maybe I had more feelings for him than I realized. Maybe I did want a future with him. But at least this time it wasn’t my fault. He was in a gay club and loves to make out and dance with guys. After all that if he decides that he isn’t gay, that’s really not my fault. I told myself that I would never want to have feelings for a straight guy again and it happened again. Some things in life are just so ironical that you simply have to smile and keep going.
How all this happened was that, we were both talking and dancing this Friday night and we were having the time of our lives when we sat down and he was telling me about how he was brought up by his grand mom and had to come to the US and live with his parents in the US when his grand mom died and all that when he told me that he had never had any friends. So I asked him..
Me: Porque? (why?)
Him: No Se. (I don’t know)
Me: Por que? (Why?)
Him: I just don’t.
Me: Tu no tienes confianza en alguien. (you don’t trust anyone.)
Him: Quizas. (Maybe)
Me: Porque? ( why)
Him: Por que ??? (why??)
Me: Porque tu no tienes confianza en alguien? (why don’t you trust anyone.)
Him: No Se. (I don’t know.)
Me: OK.
Brief pause.
Him: I am not gay.
Me: Huh?
Him: I am not gay.
Me: (trying to be completely fine with what he just said) Fine, but you will eventually have to trust someone. Tienes que tener confianza (you have to trust). Guy or girl no importa (guy or a girl, it doesn’t matter).
Him: You OK?
Me: (avoiding eye contact) Yeah. A little surprised. But I’m OK.
Him: I don’t want a boyfriend. I just like having sex with guys. I’m not gay.
Me: (**Whatever, dude! If you don’t like me then just tell me. I can deal with that! I think.)
Me: I don’t want a boyfriend either. And I don’t want to have sex either.
Him: I had sex with a guy three years ago. I havent had sex since.
We both then just looked at each other and stared. I didn’t have anything more to say. So I just shook my head and then I nodded. “Are you angry with me?” he asked. I said , “I don’t know what I feel” avoiding eye contact. Then when I finally looked up and made eye contact, I saw tears pouring out of his eyes. I was a little shaken at that. I held his hands in mine for a minute and then I felt like all this was a little too much emotion for me and said that I was taking off. He said, “See you in two weeks?” I simply nodded. I was feeling so much conflicting emotions. I wasn’t really sure how I should be feeling. If I really didn’t think that I had any future with him like I always told myself then why am I disappointed? Nothing has really changed. Its not that he did anything at all wrong. He never gave me the mipression that he was interested in me. He will still probably be there next week. I will still probably dance with him. In fact it’s perfect. I am not looking for a relationship and neither is he. I like dancing with him. So what’s wrong? I don’t know but something is not right.
We have never even kissed each other, so why should i have such string feelings for this guy. Maybe that is why we have never kissed. Thinking back he was always very careful around me. We look at each other but never really did do anything. I don’t, for my reasons and he never did, for his reasons. I have seen him making out with other guys, who he has never even seen before once or twice, but never with me. Should I be happy somehow that he cared enough to keep me at arms length? Or be really mad at him for not being gay or thinking that he is not gay. I probably shouldn’t have much to do with him anymore. But can I really stop talking to a guy because he is not gay. Because I do love talking to him. He is as naughty as I am and we get along great. Can I hide behind the fact that I might have stronger feelings for him than I realized and say that’s why I don’t want to talk to him anymore? OK, maybe I am thinking way too much about this.
Anoche yo senti, que me besaste diferente
Y me quede sin saber que hacer
Yo te conozco y se que algo no anda bien
Ven, dime la verdad, no quiero imaginar
Que fue el beso del final
(At night, I felt, that you kissed me differently
It left me, not knowing what to do
I know you and so I know that something is not right,
Come, tell me the truth, I don’t want to think
That that was the last kiss.)
posted by Dunce Happy at 4:58 PM
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