Moving on.

This last Friday was the last of latino boy and me. I hadn’t been answering his text messages very regularly and when we talked I was more interested in watching TV than answering him. He sent me a text message saying that “We are growing distant”. I replied three hours later that I agreed and that we needed to talk. So he came home on Friday evening. After I sat him down, I just simply went over close him and held his hands in mine and said, “I think we should be just friends”. He said, “oh!”. So I simply, smiled, came closer and hugged him. He hugged me back. It was a very “friendly”hug. I asked him if he was fine with this and he said he was ok. It was odd that he didnt ask why or what? But I wasnt going to tell him if he didnt want to ask.

And then we watched some TV and talked about which restaurant to go to. We chose a Chinese restaurant that we had wanted to go to. We had dinner and we asked for separate checks. We talked for a long time. Mostly about him. He started making some excuses for why he was the way he was. I told him that it wasn’t required and that he didn’t have to impress me anymore. Then we smiled and went our separate ways.

He called me once the next day, but we kept it short and he hasn’t called me since. I have this feeling that I am being very mean to him but I also have this feeling that if I don’t, then he might get mixed signals. So I hope to keep a little distance for a couple months and then maybe call him to go out together or something.

Now, coming to the reason I broke up with him. I just think that he was a little too much in the closet for my comfort. I went out with him and all my gay friends for dinner when I got my green card about two weeks back (YES!). He seemed rather uneasy being around gay guys. This coming from a very “straight-acting” guy would have been fine, but coming from a person who is very much in touch with his feminine side it was a little strange to me. In fact he started wondering aloud to me as to why my friends were so “gay” and that they should not be that way. That statement simply did not compute in my head. I went over and over it during the night, but then I decided that the guy had never even been to a gay pride parade. He’d never had had a chance to get used to being gay. So the only thing I could conclude really is that I didn’t want to be around him. Either that or I would spend the rest of the better part of a year trying to get him to feel comfortable with being gay. I just decided that I didn’t have the energy to do that. Now, if I really cared for the guy, it might have been different but I really didn’t see him with me in the long term. So two months it was. I think I agree that two months is a perfect time to break thing of where you haven’t invested too much time to worry too much.

Anyways, as always I took the opportunity to really get to know another human being. Very fascinating it is when you can really taste a person’s life and have a small peek from a window on how their life is. This guy had created an entire personality as an alternate identity. His name is J which is very non Latino. So he changed his middle name to give it a more Latino twang and insisted that I call him by that name. He learnt all his Spanish from Spanish camp since no one in his house speaks Spanish. So here is a person who is culturally American but wants very badly to be Latino that he changes his name to be Latino. This I found perfectly normal. But when I started realising that he didn’t in fact reconcile his real life with this person that he had created I started worrying. I was not really part of his life. I felt like I was part of this bubble in his life and would never really be a part of his life. But then isn’t that what all gay Indians do too. We have a gay life and then we have a “normal” life. Intersection very minimal indeed. Hm….

How many bubbles do I really have? A south Indian cultural bubble, a non south Indian bubble, and then maybe an American bubble. I have a dancing/clubbing bubble. But I don’t have a gay and non gay bubble. Except for my parents of course who have no idea about this gay part of my life. All my Indian friends pretty much know I’m gay and they hang out with my gay friends all the time. So my real life is the gay part of my life and I keep my parents in my bubble in a non gay existence. In fact I am kind of shutting them out of my real life. I have created this nice non gay life that they are part of. They cant hear any of stories of the guys I date. They can’t hear any of my clubbing exploits. They can’t hear any of my pride parade visits. Actually I did tell them that I went to SF pride last year and sent them pics. My mom’s only comment was that I had no business being there. She probably just wanted to get on with the other pics and to not even consider it much longer in case she might realise that I was gay. who knows. I do try to reconcile my real life and my bubbles every now and then but when it doesn’t happen, I step back and wait for more time to pass until I try again.

Is this what we all do?

I’ve been chatting a lot on gay.com this week. I’ve found two others from BITS, pilani who are also gay. Darn! And I thought I was going to the first bitsian to come out. Darn those guys for coming out! Just goes on to say how much in-the-closet I was in college. One of the guys is from the same school as I am, from Chennai. I feel so un-original now.

I installed a satellite dish about two weeks back. Its been a good few weeks. I wanted to get the Indian channels so I can re-connect with the hindi pop scene. Unfortunately it was way too expensive and I didn’t get the channels I wanted anyways. But I did get LOGO which is an awesome LGBT channel. I enjoy the talk shows – darn funny, the music videos, the gay themed movies, gay soaps, gay comedies, etc etc. Almost feels like the channel was targeted at all my interest. Oh wait a minute. It kind of is! I normally leave my TV on LOGO normally whenever I am home these days.

Did I tell you guys about a gay tango class I have joined? It’s fantastic! Really cool. the instructor keeps using me as the model to show everybody else how things are done and while others are practicing the new steps, he dances with me. I am totally loving every minute of it. And argentine tango unlike ballroom is less about performance and looking good and more about flirting with the person you dance with and doing what the other person is telling you to, using the slightest indications as possible.

Maybe I should elaborate on him. Antonio. About 35 to 40 years old. Don’t know if he is coupled. Sorta cute with a nice kind smile. Not a big build. Wears glasses. Very intense when he is dancing. Oh! To be in this arms again on Sunday! lol.

Life always is happy as long as you have something to look forward to.

I do apologise that it took about a week for me to figure out that my blog was not working very well. Seems like some script error that went away when I published a new entry.

Mood: Good. :)