Of gays and nongays

Ok, so I went to hear a symphony orchestra choir over this weekend. The Latin lyrics made me smile to myself (in the most polite way of course, seeing how I was in a catholic church with the usual elitist crowd). The choir kept singing something o the effect of “Dei becomes homo, when Jesus is born” meaning that god becomes man, but I, of course had other thoughts in my head. *wide grin*. I’m sorry but I simply had to get that out of the way before I said anything else.

I just can't seem to quite get the hang of bloging so I haven’t bloged in a while now. I can't seem to fit it into my schedule and hence the long break until I could really fit it in somewhere I can regularly devote some time here. In the meantime there have been several topics that I have been meaning to touch upon which as it always happens, I have now forgotten.
So quick catch up on things that have happened in the last few weeks. I went to a gay holiday party. I met the only other Indian guy who is gay at my company. He and his partner even came by to the club after and we danced some of the Hindi film routines which were quite amusing. TheFire looked at us really weird and then came up to me and complained that he wanted to dance too and that we weren’t including him in it. So we did the threesome Indian version of the Alabama swing. I had quite the blast. I also met some other guys who were single. It was eye opening that most Americans who are openly gay are normally not so out to their grand parents. It seems only fair that Indians then also keep that in mind because I always think that it is so easy for Americans to come out when it really is not. It’s hard here too. Not as hard as in India. But it’s still hard. I probably wouldn’t be out if I still lived in India. On a side note, the Indian guy told me a horrific story of how he came out and how badly his parents reacted. He was 27 when he came out about two years back and was already living in the US with his partner at the time. He still talks to his mom but apparently they still don’t talk about his homosexuality. And as long as they don’t talk about it they are still fine. They apparently blame his partner for being a continuing influence on him. They have suggested that he live alone for a year and then they would accept him. But he doesn’t want to do that. his parents did make him see a doctor who wasn’t much help and suggested that he stop doing “wild” things and settle down. So he is coming to Bombay this New Year’s and wanted his mom to talk to some Humsafar counselor. He is also looking to hang out with Indian gay guys in Bombay for new years. So where are all the parties at? Let me know.
The gay population in the UK is officially now 6%. That’s a big number. I know that we gay people sometimes think that everybody else is gay too, but I really wasn’t expecting 6%. That’s a pretty good number. That’s one more than the statistical number I always hoped it would be.
I have also been meaning this past week to come up with some kind of oath for all the gay people to take when they realize that they are gay. The oath should basically recognize the differences in the gay populace and say that we will all stick together for each other in respect for our differences and not to replace nongay (I don’t like the term straight) fascism with a gay fascism of what is right and what is wrong. In fact the most respected in my own head should be the people who haven’t come out at all. They are the biggest sufferers. They have taken so much sacrifice for their families. It’s a different thing that a person who has come out probably does not want to date a person who hasn’t. I can see why. I know why. I would never date a person who is in the closet and will probably stay that way. But that does not in any way make a person who hasn’t come out any inferior to a person who has. The same can go for the macho gays who don’t like the feminine ones and think that they are the reason why the gay people are considered weak. The same goes for the monogamous gays who think that the promiscuous ones are the ones who spoil the good name of the gays. Thin ones, fat ones, dark ones, fair ones, good looking, not so good looking, educated, the uneducated, the ones who think they are more intelligent than the rest, the ones who are stupid, the distrustful ones, the trusting ones, the naive ones, the elitists, the activists. You are not expected to be attracted to everyone but you are expected to respect everyone for their own choices. Everyone is different and everyone has their own ways of dealing with what they have experienced in life. The one thing common is that we are gay. We like people of the same sex. And we would like to be given the same rights, privileges and responsibilities that anyone else would be given in pursuit of their passions without being persecuted. We, unlike the nongays, do not have societal support structures that protect and help us when we falter. It is then up to our own selves to support our own kind as we would like to be helped. To not judge when we have feared being judged all our lives in whatever small way we can. To have dinners at home for the newly gay people to meet others. To somehow include people who fear being ostracized by family and show then that there are other people who might be of help and they will not be left unaided to deal with problems.
There are simply way too many ways of being gay and you will never find another gay person who is exactly the same as you with exactly the same tastes. So it really is up to us to accept people who do not exactly fit the profile of people who you would like at your dinner table and let them sit at your dinner table every now and then in hope that they will someday do the same. Thus will we form our own society. Thus will we put in support structures for people who society refuses to support.

I feel like such an activist after writing this blog. Yurgh!

Anyways, so I’ve been doing some Google searches on coming out and there are some good ones and some bad ones out there. Some are downright inappropriate for a lot of people. Coming out is something I feel that every person is probably better off doing in the long run. But in the short run, I believe that it sometimes may not be the greatest idea. You need to evaluate what the reaction of your family would be. Indian families have not been known to be above throwing kids out in the street in the middle of your college degree. Where are you going to go? Who will give you money? I think maybe 10% of urban parents today might be in a position to be fine with their kid’s homosexuality and even they would rather keep it under wraps. For those kids, I think coming out may be a good option since earlier you come out, the lesser the lies and complications. I think the best way to test this is to suggest to your parents that someone you know kissed another guy and you think he might be gay and try to gauge their reaction. And always know that parents can have some double standards in that they can possibly accept homosexuality in other people but not in their own kids.
The rest? Don’t they have homosexual children? For such children I would suggest to wait it out. Be discreet. There will be a day when you can earn your own money and have enough money saved up to say that if your parents throw you out on the street, you can shed a tear, pick up your belongings and move to your own place. Don’t depend on someone else for your money. Financial independence will automatically bring confidence in you to come out. So plan ahead. As long as there is hope in the future, you can move ahead. The light at the end of the tunnel always gives you that extra stretch of energy to move towards that light. In the mean time try to make some gay friends and find out how gay people live their lives. How normal or abnormal their lives are. Finding out about other people I know always helps me extrapolate how the same thing would go in my life. I stress again, that most people are well to do only when their parents have given them enough privileges to have a good education. Once you have a good education, you have to ability to stand, falter and stand up again on your own legs. So don’t let coming out hinder your opportunity to get a good education. so make sure to move out of your parents house before coming out.

Make sure you feel comfortable with who you are before you expect other people to even have a chance of being comfortable with who you are. Put yourself in your parents place and think what you would do if you just lost the "perfect" image of your child's life. They have plans for you and you might be making changes to their plans for you. Oh and this one is a biggie. Do not apologise. You have not done anything wrong. So maintain your dignity whether it goes well or not. Apparently it also helps to run the scenario by a friend before you actually have the talk. Coming out is not the moment when you tell your parents and their reaction but the process of acceptance. so it if does not go well, hope that sometime in the future it might still be fine. Time, they say, is the best healer.
Whatever else is happening folks! The holidays have always been a depressing/happy time for me. For those who are having a depressing time I would like to say that you should probably wait and January 5th everything will be fine again. For anyone who is worried about who to kiss on new years, here is some news. I have never kissed anyone on any new years eve ever. I have always wanted to, but I have never done it. My life sucks! I know! But you know what; I think I’m ok with it.
Noche de paz, Noche de amor (Spanish version of Silent night.) . I can't help feeling like I’m glad to be alive though. Isn’t it wonderful to just be. It’s a warm feeling.
Have a nice holiday season,

Warm hugs and sweet dreams to you!
Duncy!