Relationships; the sinking feeling
I was invited to go camping on Saturday morning by “Jerry”, but I decided that I did not want to go. There are a few reasons that I did not really want to go. Firstly of them being that I don’t think that he is completely over the crush he had on me. So going on a camping trip just seems a little too fast for us being just friends. Secondly, I don’t like to be around too many strangers and a whole family of people who I don’t know while they all know each other really well seemed a little overwhelming to me. You see, I am really the kind of person who talks a lot with people I am familiar with but even if there is a single stranger in the room I am constantly worried about them forming an opinion about me that I normally end up being really shy. The third reason was of course that Jerry’s sons were going to be there and so feel really odd about meeting them for some reason. Jerry is about 20 years older than I am and his kinds are almost as old as I am. That is just something that makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know that I am just friends with Jerry, but I am not sure that everybody around us will perceive it that way.
Jerry and I have been friends for about three months now. I don’t know him too well, but he is a really nice guy. He had this crush on me which he says he is over since I told him in no minced words that I was not interested in him in that way. But I think he has trouble getting over people who he sees everyday. So I am constantly double checking myself to make sure that I don’t send him mixed signals. I do dance with him on the dance floor a lot typically. But that’s just for fun. At least I hope that’s the way he perceives it too.
But since I had turned down the invitation to go out on this trip with him, I was on the dance floor quite by myself. I met Jerry’s friend “Doubter”. I think I might have hit on him or flirted a little bit with him, because he casually remarked that Jerry was still not over me and I thought that was intended to tell me that he did not want anything to happen between us since Jerry as a friend of ours and we couldn’t do much since we both cared about how Jerry would feel. So that was that.
I did come across “TheFire”. TheFire and I have had a stormy past. Neither of us is really ready for a relationship, but we both like each other. Sometimes I think it is purely physical, but it really is not. Because every time I see him dancing with someone else I feel a little bad. I don’t really know why because he does it all the time. We both know we are attracted to each other and we also know that we don’t want to do anything about it because we don’t want to jinx it. We have been kinda on and off all the time. It just feels like we can never get it right. Then there was the time that I was dancing with Jerry and he got pitch drunk and started behaving odd in that he was kinda avoiding me. When I asked him about it, he burst into tears and then yelled at me some more. I think I gave up on him at that point and decided never to talk to him again. I was so certain mainly because even though I had feelings for this guy, I don’t even know his last name. He and I can hardly understand each other (he speaks only Spanish). So I was a little taken aback by his whole behavior. It seemed to me like things not only didn’t add up but that we both were missing a lot of things.
My friend was telling me when I spoke to her about it that maybe he was just frustrated and that I should be more understanding. But see, he had made it very clear that he didn’t want a relationship. I was of the same state of mind. And the timing didn’t help either. The week before I had been dancing with this Italian who for some reason seemed to be into me and had kinda left the dance floor hand in hand. I am sure he had seen that. And the next week, he saw me giving my number to Jerry and right after that he chooses to have a fight out of nowhere. The reason I just don’t understand this behavior is that I am the shier one. He dances with everyone in the club and so he really has no right to be jealous if I dance once or twice with someone else especially since he is not my boyfriend. If he was, I would drop whoever I was dancing with at his slightest whim. But he was not. So that just bugged me about him.
So anyway, I decided to stop talking to thefire and we were doing pretty well in that endeavour until he finally decided to start talking again. So he came over once when I was dancing by myself and waved a hi. I looked at him, shook my head and went back to dancing by myself. He put his hands up like he didn’t care and walked away. And then I thought that was that and we were done. But then the next week he came over and hugged me. I didn’t hug him back and so he walked away in a huff.
And then this weekend he put his hands forward and I finally shook his hand since I didn’t want to be mad at him anymore. So he leans forward and plants a kiss on my cheeks and says, “It’s good to see you”. So I kiss him back and say “you too”. At this point I’m half amused and half not sure why he wants to be on good terms with me. But I tell myself that I am over him and that I don’t really care what he thinks. I am not sure if I believe that. But we ended up dancing kind of 3 feet away from each other but still together.
Anyway, Jerry keeps telling me that I am not over TheFire. That bugs me even more because I really want to be over him. So I am going to let time take its course. I am just so tired of taking decisions these days especially since things don’t exactly turn out the way you plan them anyway. Oh well.
Other than that, my other entertainments this weekend included a Indian dance recital, which is kinda bunked and went outside the auditorium to a Mexican independence day celebration where there were some mariachi singers singing. It was entertaining to say the least. I was able to understand most of what was going on. Couples of interesting things were that, when the musicians introduced themselves, they were asked to turn around and show themselves off. There was a lesbian couple who was dancing in plain sight of everybody else. I thought that was kinda brave.
On Sunday I talked to Jerry who was telling me all about his camping trip. I was telling him about one of his ex lovers who had been checking me out on the dance floor this weekend. I also talked to ASK, my parents and to DBCA.
Ok then, I will leave you all with a quote from the serial “Born and Bred”.
Quote of the day:
All shall be well,
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
I was invited to go camping on Saturday morning by “Jerry”, but I decided that I did not want to go. There are a few reasons that I did not really want to go. Firstly of them being that I don’t think that he is completely over the crush he had on me. So going on a camping trip just seems a little too fast for us being just friends. Secondly, I don’t like to be around too many strangers and a whole family of people who I don’t know while they all know each other really well seemed a little overwhelming to me. You see, I am really the kind of person who talks a lot with people I am familiar with but even if there is a single stranger in the room I am constantly worried about them forming an opinion about me that I normally end up being really shy. The third reason was of course that Jerry’s sons were going to be there and so feel really odd about meeting them for some reason. Jerry is about 20 years older than I am and his kinds are almost as old as I am. That is just something that makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know that I am just friends with Jerry, but I am not sure that everybody around us will perceive it that way.
Jerry and I have been friends for about three months now. I don’t know him too well, but he is a really nice guy. He had this crush on me which he says he is over since I told him in no minced words that I was not interested in him in that way. But I think he has trouble getting over people who he sees everyday. So I am constantly double checking myself to make sure that I don’t send him mixed signals. I do dance with him on the dance floor a lot typically. But that’s just for fun. At least I hope that’s the way he perceives it too.
But since I had turned down the invitation to go out on this trip with him, I was on the dance floor quite by myself. I met Jerry’s friend “Doubter”. I think I might have hit on him or flirted a little bit with him, because he casually remarked that Jerry was still not over me and I thought that was intended to tell me that he did not want anything to happen between us since Jerry as a friend of ours and we couldn’t do much since we both cared about how Jerry would feel. So that was that.
I did come across “TheFire”. TheFire and I have had a stormy past. Neither of us is really ready for a relationship, but we both like each other. Sometimes I think it is purely physical, but it really is not. Because every time I see him dancing with someone else I feel a little bad. I don’t really know why because he does it all the time. We both know we are attracted to each other and we also know that we don’t want to do anything about it because we don’t want to jinx it. We have been kinda on and off all the time. It just feels like we can never get it right. Then there was the time that I was dancing with Jerry and he got pitch drunk and started behaving odd in that he was kinda avoiding me. When I asked him about it, he burst into tears and then yelled at me some more. I think I gave up on him at that point and decided never to talk to him again. I was so certain mainly because even though I had feelings for this guy, I don’t even know his last name. He and I can hardly understand each other (he speaks only Spanish). So I was a little taken aback by his whole behavior. It seemed to me like things not only didn’t add up but that we both were missing a lot of things.
My friend was telling me when I spoke to her about it that maybe he was just frustrated and that I should be more understanding. But see, he had made it very clear that he didn’t want a relationship. I was of the same state of mind. And the timing didn’t help either. The week before I had been dancing with this Italian who for some reason seemed to be into me and had kinda left the dance floor hand in hand. I am sure he had seen that. And the next week, he saw me giving my number to Jerry and right after that he chooses to have a fight out of nowhere. The reason I just don’t understand this behavior is that I am the shier one. He dances with everyone in the club and so he really has no right to be jealous if I dance once or twice with someone else especially since he is not my boyfriend. If he was, I would drop whoever I was dancing with at his slightest whim. But he was not. So that just bugged me about him.
So anyway, I decided to stop talking to thefire and we were doing pretty well in that endeavour until he finally decided to start talking again. So he came over once when I was dancing by myself and waved a hi. I looked at him, shook my head and went back to dancing by myself. He put his hands up like he didn’t care and walked away. And then I thought that was that and we were done. But then the next week he came over and hugged me. I didn’t hug him back and so he walked away in a huff.
And then this weekend he put his hands forward and I finally shook his hand since I didn’t want to be mad at him anymore. So he leans forward and plants a kiss on my cheeks and says, “It’s good to see you”. So I kiss him back and say “you too”. At this point I’m half amused and half not sure why he wants to be on good terms with me. But I tell myself that I am over him and that I don’t really care what he thinks. I am not sure if I believe that. But we ended up dancing kind of 3 feet away from each other but still together.
Anyway, Jerry keeps telling me that I am not over TheFire. That bugs me even more because I really want to be over him. So I am going to let time take its course. I am just so tired of taking decisions these days especially since things don’t exactly turn out the way you plan them anyway. Oh well.
Other than that, my other entertainments this weekend included a Indian dance recital, which is kinda bunked and went outside the auditorium to a Mexican independence day celebration where there were some mariachi singers singing. It was entertaining to say the least. I was able to understand most of what was going on. Couples of interesting things were that, when the musicians introduced themselves, they were asked to turn around and show themselves off. There was a lesbian couple who was dancing in plain sight of everybody else. I thought that was kinda brave.
On Sunday I talked to Jerry who was telling me all about his camping trip. I was telling him about one of his ex lovers who had been checking me out on the dance floor this weekend. I also talked to ASK, my parents and to DBCA.
Ok then, I will leave you all with a quote from the serial “Born and Bred”.
Quote of the day:
All shall be well,
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
posted by Dunce Happy at 4:09 PM
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